OK so apparently I can’t even drink half a frappucino before I’m wired beyond explanation & while everyone in this house is sleeping, I’m reminiscing on my 3 years of marriage. Here’s what I’ve got…I’ve learned that when you say “I DO,” you seldom think of actually living out your vows, “for richer or poorer, in sickness & in health.” That is something my husband Kevin & I have definitely lived out in the past 3 years. Not exactly the richer or health, but the poorer & sickness part. It’s amazing that we’ve come so far so fast. In some aspects it feels like we’ve been together for 10 years, while in the same manner it feels like yesterday. Even though we know we’ve gone through a lot of hardships since we’ve married, we’ve salso had a tremendous amount of blessings. Though we’ve experienced undiagnosed issues in our daughter, we’ve seen God’s steady healing in her life. And though we’ve moved 4 times in these 3 years due to me not working & my husband losing his job, we’ve seen God’s constant provision over us. Even a small bible study we started for fun, God has transformed into a full functioning church. His ways are truly amazing & I wouldn’t change a thing. God’s plan is perfect & I signed up for it so I can’t get off the ride now!
My advice to the single people reading this, especially those never married, is that marriage is no joke. I want to be encouraging, but really clear here. In my opinion, the easiest & happiest part of your lives together will probably be your engagement followed by your wedding & honeymoon & of course when you have kids. The in between is going to be hard or possibly harder than your life right now. It’s not all roses & romance & you’re really going to need to be founded. I learned something truly valuable on a marriage retreat & that is that there are many, many danger zones where couples experience divorce. One is between the 1-3 year mark after the honeymoon stage is over. This is where I am, but I already knew this. I came into this marriage completely in love, but knowing that my “feelings” were not to be the foundation of my committment to my husband. At the core of your relationship must be a super tight friendship. That is soooo key! If you do not grasp this once the “fire” dies down, it’s over. And guess what? It will be the same with EVERY other relationship. Lust & sex are not to be the glue of your marriage. And if that’s all you have now you’re really missing out on having a deeper relationship. It should not be based on flesh alone. It should be based on supporting each other, communication, trust, servanthood & a genuine desire to do what’s best for the other person, even if it means changing yourself. If you have a good foundation, when the “fire” dies down, you know how to pick it back up again.
I’ve learned that as the Word says “the small foxes ruin the vine.” My husband prefers I use Gain to wash his clothes & I hate towels on the floor. Seems harmless, but add a few of these little peeves up & it’s a recipe for disaster. No matter how close you are, you are TWO different people who become one flesh when you get married, but this “becoming one” business is not an overnight thing. If you look at my husband & I we have ways to grow. We are equivalent to a 3 year old child, a toddler who is starting to learned to be more independent. That is like us, we are ironing out some kinks & we’re flowing more together, learning to be one together. There are things I’m dying to change in myself & him & some I’ve learned to tolerate & accept. Some are ingrained character traits, while others are traits that require tweaking & compromise. You must learn the difference between things that can change, and things that will not. (Thanks David Barlock for that wisdom!)
Another important ah-ha God showed me recently is that the world is a bunch of actors. Everyone acts so tough, but they’re babies. There’s a psychological term called “fight or flight” that people face when encountering a adversity in life. Well, when it comes to marriage (as you may have heard the divorce rate is 50%) most are chosing flight. They’re a bunch of chickens & no one is a fighter! No one is willing to change, forgive, sacrifice, compromise, it’s all a bunch of flapping & flying & leaving the nest. What’s happening world?
My best advice is this…prepare yourself for marriage by DEALING with yourself. The more dealing & healing you do, the less garbage you bring into your marriage. Understand it is a committment & only God knows what you will face, but if you place God, not sex, as your superglue, He will give you all the tools to survive. Marry your best friend & stop thinking you or your spouse or potential spouse has to be perfect. There’s no such thing as a perfect person or marriage. And finally, understand it’s for life! You’re a team so do your best for your team. There’s such a beautiful richness when you can share your life, your dreams, your fears, your everything with not just someone, but THE one God has hand-picked for you. Above all, keep God first & He will guide you to it and through it. God Bless!
God 1st! Matt 6:33
very, very WISE words …